Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
