I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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