I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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