at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
