I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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