i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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