So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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