I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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