my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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