6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
