I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
