ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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