i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
