So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
