I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
A bitchslap is in order.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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