Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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