Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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