I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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