I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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