Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
