I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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