I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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