I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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