just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
