she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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