take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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