You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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