i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
