It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
