Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
