i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
