i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
