I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
