Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
