mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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