He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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