I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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