Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
