Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
