You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
