Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He shit in the fireplace
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
