friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
