he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
