Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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