If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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