I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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