OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize