Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
