Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
