u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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