i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
