You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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