He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
