I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
