Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
