Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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